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Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Monday, 9 January 2012
The Value of Friendship
Something that's infuriated me since I became single again was realising how out of touch I'd become with some friends. My social life revolved around my ex - we'd spend weekends with his friends and their girlfriends, and my own friends were scattered all over the place which made meeting up difficult at times. I had always thought how much I wished having a tight group of friends a la Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte in my favourite TV show, Sex and the City, but my friends don't even know each other and I'd always felt lacking. At least with my ex, I had a group of friends I saw regularly. But, as is inevitable with break-ups, mutual friends fall away. They either take sides or, in my case, keep their original alliances. My friends were his friends first and no matter how well we got on, chances are I'll see few of them again.
What the heck had happened to mine?
I already always felt at a disadvantage. I moved to London from the north straight after school leaving my group of friends behind and as time moved on, I only really kept in touch with one - my real best friend and we still are. But every girl needs that core group of friends right? I hated the fact that I didn't. If I wanted to see them, I'd have to see them individually and while that's great for a heart to heart, it doesn't work the same for a night out. Does anyone really have the SATC style friendship? I always thought they did, that I was the weird one for not having this network, but the more I've been speaking to people, the more I'm unconvinced.
People fall out of touch for many reasons, make new friends at work, through their boyfriends/girlfriends, the list goes on and on. But with the exception of one of my friends, none of them have this media portrayed group of girls who meet up once a week for lunch and hit trendy bars on a Friday night. I began to feel better about it and my spur of the moment drinks last night only reinforced this.
An old work colleague from my very first job called me out of the blue to go for drinks. I hadn't seen her for around 2 years, but we kept in touch via Facebook. For me, a true friend is someone who you don't have to see all the time, but who you can pick up where the old conversation left off with ease, and that's exactly what happened. There was a whole heap to catch up on. My break up, her wedding and new babies, but essentially, nothing had changed between us and when she told me she felt the same inadequacies about friendship that I did, I could have cried.
My friend is beautiful. Really, she is, and I don't do bias. For a 28 year old mum of 2, she looked stunning. She's probably one of the easiest people to talk to, but yet she felt as though she was lacking for not having a group of close knit girlfriends. I'd thought being a mum gave you an 'in'. You hear all the time of new mums making new friends at nurseries and all that stuff, but she said she could never be sure if they liked her for her, or to ensure they had play-dates for their kids. She couldn't open up to them.
It was like hearing myself speak and I began to think that the images we're constantly bombarded with about friendship don't always reflect the reality. I'm really lucky. I kept in touch with friends on Facebook, but almost never went out. Now I'm single, I'm making more of an effort, suggesting meeting up with a few and as a result, old friendships are having the attention paid to them that they deserved all along.
Everyone tells you that friendships are the most important relationships you'll ever make. Your family are your family - you have no choice about those. but you choose your friends and good ones will stick by you through thick and thin. I don't do new years resolutions, but I have promised myself that I wont make the same mistake again. Each of my friends are going to have a stupid amount of attention paid to them because whether they know it or not, their kind words have helped me enormously over the last 6 months. It's the least I can do.
I don't have that tight group of girlfriends, but so what? Not everyone does and I know I'm blessed to have each and every one of my mates. So, to all my friends, virtual and real, an enormous hug and kiss. I adore each and every one of you.
What the heck had happened to mine?
I already always felt at a disadvantage. I moved to London from the north straight after school leaving my group of friends behind and as time moved on, I only really kept in touch with one - my real best friend and we still are. But every girl needs that core group of friends right? I hated the fact that I didn't. If I wanted to see them, I'd have to see them individually and while that's great for a heart to heart, it doesn't work the same for a night out. Does anyone really have the SATC style friendship? I always thought they did, that I was the weird one for not having this network, but the more I've been speaking to people, the more I'm unconvinced.
People fall out of touch for many reasons, make new friends at work, through their boyfriends/girlfriends, the list goes on and on. But with the exception of one of my friends, none of them have this media portrayed group of girls who meet up once a week for lunch and hit trendy bars on a Friday night. I began to feel better about it and my spur of the moment drinks last night only reinforced this.
An old work colleague from my very first job called me out of the blue to go for drinks. I hadn't seen her for around 2 years, but we kept in touch via Facebook. For me, a true friend is someone who you don't have to see all the time, but who you can pick up where the old conversation left off with ease, and that's exactly what happened. There was a whole heap to catch up on. My break up, her wedding and new babies, but essentially, nothing had changed between us and when she told me she felt the same inadequacies about friendship that I did, I could have cried.
My friend is beautiful. Really, she is, and I don't do bias. For a 28 year old mum of 2, she looked stunning. She's probably one of the easiest people to talk to, but yet she felt as though she was lacking for not having a group of close knit girlfriends. I'd thought being a mum gave you an 'in'. You hear all the time of new mums making new friends at nurseries and all that stuff, but she said she could never be sure if they liked her for her, or to ensure they had play-dates for their kids. She couldn't open up to them.
It was like hearing myself speak and I began to think that the images we're constantly bombarded with about friendship don't always reflect the reality. I'm really lucky. I kept in touch with friends on Facebook, but almost never went out. Now I'm single, I'm making more of an effort, suggesting meeting up with a few and as a result, old friendships are having the attention paid to them that they deserved all along.
Everyone tells you that friendships are the most important relationships you'll ever make. Your family are your family - you have no choice about those. but you choose your friends and good ones will stick by you through thick and thin. I don't do new years resolutions, but I have promised myself that I wont make the same mistake again. Each of my friends are going to have a stupid amount of attention paid to them because whether they know it or not, their kind words have helped me enormously over the last 6 months. It's the least I can do.
I don't have that tight group of girlfriends, but so what? Not everyone does and I know I'm blessed to have each and every one of my mates. So, to all my friends, virtual and real, an enormous hug and kiss. I adore each and every one of you.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Quality Time Alone
One thing I've heard almost constantly since becoming single is that this is the perfect time to 'rediscover myself'. The phrase had me breaking out in a rash. Having been in a relationship for the best part of a decade, the idea of spending time alone was more than a little daunting. I didn't want to spend time alone. I wanted to be back with my boyfriend, curled up on the sofa, watching a film. With the weekend looming, I was desperate for something to do and someone to do it with, but my friends were all busy or coupled up and spending the crappy, financially lean month of January indoors. What to do?
I've been toying with the idea of spending a weekend alone somewhere in Europe, but if I couldn't face the idea of a weekend alone in my home city, I'd have no hope. So, after visiting the Time Out website, I decided to go somewhere by myself. Yup, alone. No boyfriend, no friend, no work colleagues. In passing, I mentioned it to a friend and then realised I couldn't back out. After looking for things to do, I moved onto looking into my fantasised weekend break. I could do this, right? I could go and spend a weekend in a foreign country, maybe stay in a hostel and meet other lone travellers and have a whale of a time. I just had to get through this one outing first and decided to visit the National Portrait Gallery.
I've never been anywhere alone. I'm not talking about the supermarket and things like that, but museums, galleries, the cinema - I'd always done it with family, friends or my now ex-boyfriend. When I woke up this morning, I chickened out. I couldn't face the idea of wandering around a gallery by myself - everyone would be looking at me thinking, what a nutcase, what a loner. But then, what were my alternatives? Sitting in front of my TV watching movies and sleeping, that's what. So, I got showered, got dressed and went out. As it was, I had a lovely day. Sure, I felt odd walking around by myself at first. I'm not an art buff but I can appreciate good art when I see it. I did find it strange not having anyone to talk to. A particular painting of the royal family transfixed me. The level of detail was amazing but I had nobody to share it with. I could have stopped a random person, but - baby steps - I'm not quite there yet. I was worried I'd get sucked into a conversation about brush strokes and such, and come across as, well, a bit dense. In the end, I appreciated the painting, and moved on. For your viewing pleasure, here it is: Conversation piece at the Royal Lodge Windsor by Sir James Gunn.
After two hours of taking in as much portraiture as humanly possible, I ventured into Leicester Square and stood outside Wagamama, wondering if I should go in. I mean, I'd be eating BY MYSELF! Everyone would look at me and think I was sad. But then I thought, actually, I'm hungry, and more than anything, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. So in I went and when a waiter approached me and asked how many there were in my party, I smiled and said 'just me'. And you know what? There were around 4 or 5 other lone eaters in there, mainly men, and nobody batted an eyelid. I ate my lunch and read some of my book and I felt content. So content that I walked through Trafalgar Square to the bus stop with a smile on my face.
It might be a small victory to some. Some people love spending time alone, have no problems with it. I'm coming round to the idea. It's a goal for me to go abroad by myself in 2012 and I feel like I've taken a giant leap in being self sufficient. Now, I can't wait to go somewhere else. All the museums I've wanted to visit but never did because my ex or friends wouldn't like it, have suddenly opened themselves up to me. London is a truly beautiful city, and I'm not going to miss out on its wonders just because I'm single.
x
p.s. - in case anyone wants them, here are the links to the TimeOut and National Portrait Gallery sites. The NPG is free too, even better!
http://www.npg.org.uk/home.php
http://www.timeout.com/london/
I've been toying with the idea of spending a weekend alone somewhere in Europe, but if I couldn't face the idea of a weekend alone in my home city, I'd have no hope. So, after visiting the Time Out website, I decided to go somewhere by myself. Yup, alone. No boyfriend, no friend, no work colleagues. In passing, I mentioned it to a friend and then realised I couldn't back out. After looking for things to do, I moved onto looking into my fantasised weekend break. I could do this, right? I could go and spend a weekend in a foreign country, maybe stay in a hostel and meet other lone travellers and have a whale of a time. I just had to get through this one outing first and decided to visit the National Portrait Gallery.
I've never been anywhere alone. I'm not talking about the supermarket and things like that, but museums, galleries, the cinema - I'd always done it with family, friends or my now ex-boyfriend. When I woke up this morning, I chickened out. I couldn't face the idea of wandering around a gallery by myself - everyone would be looking at me thinking, what a nutcase, what a loner. But then, what were my alternatives? Sitting in front of my TV watching movies and sleeping, that's what. So, I got showered, got dressed and went out. As it was, I had a lovely day. Sure, I felt odd walking around by myself at first. I'm not an art buff but I can appreciate good art when I see it. I did find it strange not having anyone to talk to. A particular painting of the royal family transfixed me. The level of detail was amazing but I had nobody to share it with. I could have stopped a random person, but - baby steps - I'm not quite there yet. I was worried I'd get sucked into a conversation about brush strokes and such, and come across as, well, a bit dense. In the end, I appreciated the painting, and moved on. For your viewing pleasure, here it is: Conversation piece at the Royal Lodge Windsor by Sir James Gunn.
After two hours of taking in as much portraiture as humanly possible, I ventured into Leicester Square and stood outside Wagamama, wondering if I should go in. I mean, I'd be eating BY MYSELF! Everyone would look at me and think I was sad. But then I thought, actually, I'm hungry, and more than anything, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. So in I went and when a waiter approached me and asked how many there were in my party, I smiled and said 'just me'. And you know what? There were around 4 or 5 other lone eaters in there, mainly men, and nobody batted an eyelid. I ate my lunch and read some of my book and I felt content. So content that I walked through Trafalgar Square to the bus stop with a smile on my face.
It might be a small victory to some. Some people love spending time alone, have no problems with it. I'm coming round to the idea. It's a goal for me to go abroad by myself in 2012 and I feel like I've taken a giant leap in being self sufficient. Now, I can't wait to go somewhere else. All the museums I've wanted to visit but never did because my ex or friends wouldn't like it, have suddenly opened themselves up to me. London is a truly beautiful city, and I'm not going to miss out on its wonders just because I'm single.
x
p.s. - in case anyone wants them, here are the links to the TimeOut and National Portrait Gallery sites. The NPG is free too, even better!
http://www.npg.org.uk/home.php
http://www.timeout.com/london/
Thursday, 5 January 2012
We're just good friends...
Can men and women ever be 'Just Friends'? As I said yesterday, I've pretty much decided to do something about a crush on a male friend of mine, but it's really got me thinking because I always thought the answer to my question was 'yes'. End of.
But then again, the idea of getting together with a friend, better still, a close one, is everywhere. Movies, sitcoms - look at Monica and Chandler, Ross and Rachel, Miranda and Steve. In a fairytale world, a best friend is the ideal match. You obviously like each other, you know everything about each other. There's no way you can be 'just friends' if all that's to be believed because the sexual tension will be crackling under the veneer of straight up friendship and after a string of dating disasters, you'll realise the love of your life has been there all along. Your best friend. Awww.
My friend and I have known each other for, ooh, about 5 years now. We laugh, we joke, we drink, we smoke. I never even thought he was that attractive at first. I remember a girlfriend said 'he's kind of hot' and my response was to look in his direction with a raised eyebrow and say, 'really?'. I couldn't see it, and because I didn't think he was hot, I thought there was no way I could ever want him in a downright filthy sense.
And yet...
5 years on, and now for some reason, I cannot get the man out of my head. Over time, we got to know each other, although we're not 'best pals'. He makes me laugh, he has a mind as dirty as mine and somehow always brightens my day when we do speak or meet which isn't as often as I would like. I don't know when it happened, but all of a sudden I began to think 'wow, he's kinda special.' And it's not one-sided. I know he likes me, or at least he used to. We've had the conversation, we've fooled around. The question is whether, if I say, 'hey. I want to do unspeakable things to you' he'll be on it or whether he'll say, 'sorry love, I've moved onto the next one.'
I honestly believe that men and women can be 'Just Friends'. Even 'Just Good Friends'. BUT, I don't think it's as simple as there being zero attraction. The fact you're in a friendship means you like them and inevitably, somewhere along the line, the thought will cross one or both minds. The difference between being just friends and being something more is timing.
As long as you can accept that at some stage, one or both of you will get the urge to step beyond the line, you can be just friends. The interesting part is if you both happen to get the urge at the same time. As for the question of losing a friend if it all goes wrong, that's another topic for another day. Personally, I'm hoping the urges will be nicely matched for me and my friend. Fingers are crossed.
But then again, the idea of getting together with a friend, better still, a close one, is everywhere. Movies, sitcoms - look at Monica and Chandler, Ross and Rachel, Miranda and Steve. In a fairytale world, a best friend is the ideal match. You obviously like each other, you know everything about each other. There's no way you can be 'just friends' if all that's to be believed because the sexual tension will be crackling under the veneer of straight up friendship and after a string of dating disasters, you'll realise the love of your life has been there all along. Your best friend. Awww.
My friend and I have known each other for, ooh, about 5 years now. We laugh, we joke, we drink, we smoke. I never even thought he was that attractive at first. I remember a girlfriend said 'he's kind of hot' and my response was to look in his direction with a raised eyebrow and say, 'really?'. I couldn't see it, and because I didn't think he was hot, I thought there was no way I could ever want him in a downright filthy sense.
And yet...
5 years on, and now for some reason, I cannot get the man out of my head. Over time, we got to know each other, although we're not 'best pals'. He makes me laugh, he has a mind as dirty as mine and somehow always brightens my day when we do speak or meet which isn't as often as I would like. I don't know when it happened, but all of a sudden I began to think 'wow, he's kinda special.' And it's not one-sided. I know he likes me, or at least he used to. We've had the conversation, we've fooled around. The question is whether, if I say, 'hey. I want to do unspeakable things to you' he'll be on it or whether he'll say, 'sorry love, I've moved onto the next one.'
I honestly believe that men and women can be 'Just Friends'. Even 'Just Good Friends'. BUT, I don't think it's as simple as there being zero attraction. The fact you're in a friendship means you like them and inevitably, somewhere along the line, the thought will cross one or both minds. The difference between being just friends and being something more is timing.
As long as you can accept that at some stage, one or both of you will get the urge to step beyond the line, you can be just friends. The interesting part is if you both happen to get the urge at the same time. As for the question of losing a friend if it all goes wrong, that's another topic for another day. Personally, I'm hoping the urges will be nicely matched for me and my friend. Fingers are crossed.
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Dating by astrology...
Astrology. It's a complex thing. Beyond the daily horoscopes in the Metro newspaper, I rarely took much notice of them until a few days ago. Being newly single after a long term relationship means I've been thrust back into the dating game and boy, is it a complex thing.
I'm a Taurus, and a fairly typical one at that. I'm passionate, stubborn, loyal and fiery in turns, but I'd never thought about compatible signs. I've decided to act on a long held crush on a friend, or at least, I think I have. After years of banter, flirting and a recent fumble, I'd texted him a message which was clear and to the point. I'll delve into that some other time, but the conversation stopped dead. What the hell? Had I read things the completely wrong way? Who disappears halfway through a text conversation? End result, I sent another couple of messages and then sat and wondered what the heck had happened. Out of boredom, I read my horoscope, which didn't say anything useful, but I also read his. And that's where things got interesting.
The object of my lust is an Aquarius. I can already hear the shouts of 'run away' because boy oh boy, Aquarians seem like extremely hard work. There are plenty of astrology sites out there, but the gist of it was: magnetic, alluring, fiercely independent, emotionally detached and prone to self sabotage/disappearing acts if pushed too hard. Any Taurean worth their salt knows we're creatures who need to be given affection, tokens of love and affirmation that we're wanted. Aquarians, it seems, are the polar opposite. Suddenly, the text conversation started to make a little more sense.
I don't usually take a lot of stock in astrological personality traits, but the more I read, the more I began to understand him and myself. We'd often go months without speaking, engage in seriously heavy banter, and then drop off again. His characteristics were almost perfectly matched to what I read. This it seems, will not be a match made in heaven.
There must be people out there who take this stuff very seriously. There's probably a whole heap of people who only date strictly within their compatible signs. But isn't that taking the fun out of it? If my compatible signs are likely to give me stability, affection and declarations of love, surely it means I must be missing out on heady infatuation, the excitement of not knowing what will happen next and being firmly kept on my toes?
Dating by astrology...is it for me? I honestly couldn't say, but what I do know, is that me and this guy have chemistry. Whether its written in the stars is anyone's guess, but I'm not going to stop myself from having fun and finding out if the Aquarian/Taurus match really is as bad as they say.
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